take that stats!

stats stats stats stats staaaaaaats.
eeesh.
i think i actually get it now though. i emailed the t.a. and she seemed to think that i was getting correct answers. so wooo!
i wanna make these!
gimme!! peanut butter bars! im gonna take some of these with me on the road trip to Asheville!
oooh! or these!!

then there are always these... hehehehee.
i just need to keep some sort of running list of recipes i want to try!

dreams

ive been having interesting ones lately....
two nights ago, it was swimming in the ocean in the current that carries sea turtles- (Finding Nemo- East Australian Current). i was completely surrounded by thousands of sea turtles....

then last night it was something about a tree house and trying to not fall through the rotten wood as i climbed to the top to play a game like paintball (only there was no paint?). colorguard was also involved (like we had just finished a show).
i dunno.
its just interesting to me that i have been unable to remember my dreams until recently. i went for months without any memorable ones and now i am having vivid dreams most nights...
i'm missing yoga today because i have to go to school (like right now) to finish my stats homework before going out of town. grrrrr.
but i think Ben and Heather are coming over tonight! that means we get to hang out with them for a bit (hell, i might even bake something if i EVER get done with stats) :)

~damn hippie, tofu eating, blog writer signing out.

the hot springs.

.there must have be a lot going on in your head as you seemed a bit distant yesterday.

as for the trip with the girls. It was pretty fun! we played around in the downtown area of Hot Springs for a few hours. We went to play ping pong at a bar (oh, joy) and then we went to Rolando's. It was high up the side of a mini-mountain. it was beautiful up there. well lit with christmas lights and paper lanterns. very scenic. i don't do much (if any) drinking because yoga and running and skating are really not conducive to an alcohol habit. but i am completely fine with that. its probably more funny to watch people drink anyway and at this point in my life i get tipsy off of a beer....

i think it is fair to say that Licious had a fabulous birthday! i made the hat you see her wearing along with a shirt, that although is too big for her, is awesome nonetheless. it says Lyndalicious on the front and i knock a bitch down on the back (with a cupcake at the end for extra sweetness).
i slept with Susie on an airmatress on the floor of the arctic tundra that our dear, rarely clothed, hyper and a.d.d. as hell LaSucia prepared for us. She had the air turned to 65. i threatened her life a few times because she kept growling randomly and causing me strange nightmares. then she kept getting louder as she spoke. it was actually pretty hilarious. i tried to escape to somewhere outside when i saw that Brian and Wendy might be sleeping in the van- but alas. they were just doing something else.....
Anyway!! i told the team what was going on with school and my whole relationship situation and they were very supportive. that made me feel better (although of course, i missed Brandon the whole time i was there). it's always nice to know that you have people in your life that have your back. even when you are retarded or trying to make up for being retarded.

the PrissKillas needed a getaway and i must say this was a fun one.

weeks end

i m leaving you here for a bit but i will be back before you know it.
i've really enjoyed our past week together. i wouldnt want to sleep next to anyone else. that is to say that i know that i only belong wrapping my arms around you while you fall asleep.
thank you for going with me to see the Harvest though you ran the risk of feeling very uncomfortable. i think you were well received. i know Ben missed you. you two really are like peas in a pod. im hoping that we hang out with Ben and Heather more now.


InterSession was amazing. everyone caught their five though they could not see. i could not have been prouder of them. (Today is Nikki's birthday!) Not only because they caught their big tosses, but because they really got emotionally involved in the presentation of the story. I'm glad Christina came. I think she needed to see something like that at this particular time in her life..
They are doing the show again tonight and i know it will be just as amazing.

in the meanwhile, i will miss you until Sunday but i hope you have a good family day tomorrow at your brother's birthday dinner.

seeds

years ago i came up with a crazy idea of using color guard and dance as a form of teaching. and though i fell out of the habit there for a bit, the girls that i have taught continue to excel. they have a new show that they are performing on friday night.
i have seen the practices.
i have seen the dress rehearsals.
this group is amazing.
seriously, i am so proud of them and i am so amazed to see so much progress in what they have done despite my absence. (that almost makes me feel unnecessary and just extra)
regardless. this-
amazes me. we are talking- im going to be bawling in the front row- amazes me. i am hoping the maybe Brandon will want to go, but i can understand how he feels awkward walking into Crossway. i dont agree, but i understand.

i feel like something that i got started is really taking off and has the potential to reach people that may otherwise "slip through the cracks" because they have never experienced anything like this before and that in and of itself is awesome.

tides

Well.
Tonight, Brandon and i are going to see Jeff. He will let us in on the plan designed to successfully reestablish our relationship.
This weekend i will be travelling to arkansas with my team, the PrissKillas. Though i am sure the whole trip will be fun, i am afraid it will be bittersweet. If graduate school and other factors (like time away from Brandon) push me out of the crumbling world of derby then i will be leaving my team (and leaving them without a captain), and some very amazing friends behind. If this is what needs to happen then i will indeed do it. i will be a bit heartbroken because i really feel like it is a niche that i have found (that i am really pretty good at) but i will be focusing on the end result.

Bikram yoga has become increasingly important to my health. if i stop doing derby i really will have to go to yoga every day. my body feels such a difference when i am on a regular schedule. i feel stronger and healthier. (the first few days back were horrible and i kept nearly passing out but now that i am back in the swing, three days later, i feel great).
This yoga form clearly has the health benefits but it also has mental health benefits. When you are in a room heated to 105 degrees at 60% humidity for 90 minutes you struggle with claustrophobia, exhaustion, and rebellion. Knowing that you are uncomfortable (and being able to apply this to life which is not always comfortable) and being mindful, present, and accepting teaches you patience and perseverance.
As a side note- i wonder if many people feel dizzy during ustrasana (camel pose), given that your head is inverted. I would really like for my body to stay in dandayamana dhanurasana (bow pulling pose) for the entire time.

Chris (Pussy) asked me to the Derbytante Ball by sending me a HUGE boquet of flowers. She is a good friend who always tries to brighten my day.

Next weekend i have ASIST training (applied suicide intervention skills training) on Friday and Saturday.
The weekend after i will be going with Brandon to Asheville to see Iced Earth. He has VIP passes backstage and we will meet the band! (wowza!, how cool is that?)
SoOOooo im busy busy.
Ima take my camera and get some new photos up here.
In the meanwhile i just plan on keeping it together enough to get through this week, and then next week, and then the next.

prodigal wife

"There was a man who had two sons. 12The younger one said to his father, 'Father, give me my share of the estate.' So he divided his property between them.

13"Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.

17"When he came to his senses, he said, 'How many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.' 20So he got up and went to his father.
"But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

21"The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.^[a]'

22"But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. 24For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate.

25"Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. 26So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 27'Your brother has come,' he replied, 'and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.'

28"The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29But he answered his father, 'Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!'

31" 'My son,' the father said, 'you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' "

this story can totally be applied to my life. i am guilty of so many despicable things it is amazing.

and for anyone to come running just because i turn around slightly is more than i deserve. i don't expect anything to be easy but i expect us to never quit trying.

the deep breath before the plunge

it looks like time for a serious coming to Jesus meeting with myself. for real. no more playing around. no more playing house. its time for me to be who i am and deal with it and the person i am supposed to be with. people will think i am insane and i am prepared for that. i dont expect this going back and moving forward thing to be easy or logical or anything of the sort. i just expect it to be right and i know it is and it has always been right. its bizarre to have everyone else around you see it and for you to be blinded by fear or insecurity or rebellion. so here we go- trail by fire thing. as far as i can tell this is about to be six months of soul bearing, learning how to communicate, and being stripped to the core.
.about face.

who do i want to fall in a lake?

tried my hand at quinoa- it is yummy!
i made it and then added red peppers, onions, zuchinni, and chipolte peppers. yowza.

I made a skirt out of old t-shirts. its a different look from all sides so it is really versatile. I actually made a variation from the book that i have. I plan on making even more!


here's a story about Wendy and Brian. now that man knows what he wants. for His birthday, he took his wife out to dinner and invited all of her closest friends. he said that what he wanted for his birthday was for her to be happy and to say thank you to her for their years together. holy hell if that is not the sweetest thing.

work it

ok. i gotta get my school work done. its just very easy to be distracted when there is no regimented plan to my day to day. i am current on my neuroscience i just have to catch up my stats work. eeeesh.
i hopped on the scale today and it said i lost a pound. yipppeeee!! i got a new mio watch since mine freaking broke. that should help with the battle of the waist line. Mindless Eating has been an informative read and should also help.
i don't know why i do this half assed involvement with people thing. its just whatever and i dont even know how to explain that.
here's a bit:
there are very few things in life that are black and white. most everything is grey. its always been that way and it bothers everyone else but me. that's kinda the bottom line.


"what i am to you, is not real
what i am to you, you do not need
what i am to you is not what you mean to me
so give me miles and miles of mountains and i'll ask for the sea"

next, im on a mission to reinvent some t shirts i got from the thrift store.

distract

Well Labor day weekend turned out to be interesting. Friday night started out with another one of those crazy punk rock shows. It was well done. Scott, the crazy singer, makes me laugh when he is on stage. Mostly because he will put down his guitar and come over and talk to me in the middle of his set. I was kinda suckered into staying out until 3:30 or something insane despite the fact that I had practice at 9 am OUTSIDE at the southaven rink in the morning. Fun. After that it was cake making time. We had a retirement party for DomeaFava who skated with the PrissKillas. I'm the designated cake maker. That was good clean fun. Kenny, our coach, was tossed in the pool by Malice and Licious. Poor GeoMattro was thrown in as well. He didn't even have a chance to take his wallet out of his pocket. It was a bit of drunken debauchery, but only a bit. that is a photo of Susan that i took that day and i love it.


Sunday was more of the same. Licious and i volunteered for the Memphis Music Heritage festival in conjunction with derby. Then i went to Otherlands with Scott. Then the deli, then murphy's. Seems like i don't stop moving for long.

i need to go to yoga cuz i feel like crap! my body got used to all that sweating out the yuck and now it's unhappy.

on a food note- this weekend i baked banana bran muffins that are yummy and i came up with a burrito (both are vegan). it is red and green bell peppers cooked with onions- fajita style. then i threw in a block of tofu and cooked it all until my veggies were a little soft. i stacked my burrito with fat free vegan refried beans and chipolte peppers in adobo then my tofu/veggie mix. yum and spicy!!